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Pet Peeves of Cyberland Fetish Sites by Dame Tyler

by Dame Tyler

1. People who have never been to sm parties and munches telling others what to do, how to dress, how to behave and what happens at sm parties and munches.

If you’ve never been there, you wouldn’t know. If you speak only on the subjects you actually have experience and knowledge of, you wouldn’t be saying much of anything in any of the threads on anything.

<closes eyes and dreams of a moment like that>

2. People who have never been to a slave auction telling other people how a slave auction works.

If you’ve never attended one, you wouldn’t know.

3. People who have only ever done cam/online bdsm telling those in face to face, physically present relationships they’re doing it wrong.

If you’ve never actually done anything with another person you could touch, you wouldn’t know how it’s “supposed” to go with someone you can touch.

4. People who say they are no limits but then say one of the rules they have is to “protect the property, even if it means protecting the property from him.”

Guess what? You are saying you can enforce a limit. If you’re standing in the middle of the road because he told you to and a car is coming and you get out of the way of that car even though he told you to stand there, you have set a limit. Your limit is that you will not let yourself be hit by a car even if he told you to.

5. People who get upset when others mention how long they’ve been doing this SM stuff or how long they’ve been in a relationship.

Newsflash! — The people posting in the thread aren’t posting for the benefit of other posters responding to the same questions. They’re posting for the benefit of the OP who asked the question.

That OP (original poster) might be brand new to the group and may never have seen any of the posters before. They wouldn’t know one from another and wouldn’t know who has practical experience and who doesn’t. So while you may frequently see someone say they’ve been in a relationship for 7 years but have been doing this for 15, the person who matters (the one who asked the questions in the first place) has never seen it said by any of those people.

People who are proud of their relationships say how many years they’ve been in that relationship. They say how long they’ve been together, how long married. It’s a relatable context that other humans understand. It’s merely a statement of fact, not something said just to annoy you personally.

If you get upset by others stating their years of experience or years in a relationship, that reaction is about you. Not the other person.

6. People who bitch about dudes having their dick for an avatar but they themselves are flashing tits or a nipple or their bare ass.

Dude shows his dick and you flash your tits. There’s really no difference. Personally, I don’t want to see either one. How about both of ya put that shit away.

7. People with no or very limited practical bdsm or d/s/m/s relationship experience telling others what they must do in their relationships and deciding the definitions of terms for everyone else.

Broken record time. If you’ve never had a d/s relationship or an m/s relationship, you have no business telling others what rules or protocols they must have or what that relationship must look like. Each house and each relationship gets to decide all that stuff for themselves.

8. Chicks who flash their tits and then whine that someone looked at their tits and made a crass comment.

Set it to friends only! Crass dudes are going to say crass things. Been that way for 20,000 years and will be that way for the next 20,000 years. You can teach 49,999 dudes to be civil and there will always be that ONE who will remain an ass regardless. If you cannot handle that one, then don’t post the pics or make it so that person cannot see the pic. Problem solved.

9. People with no practical experience extolling the “subby has the power” thing.

That goes right out the window when you’re standing in front of a dom who tells you to do something and stands there until you do it and doesn’t back down because you weren’t “feeling it”.

Subby has the power right up to the moment he/she says “Yes, I’ll be yours.” Then that power is gone, because you gave it to the dom, and you’re expected to do what you’re told (within reason) and (dare I say it) serve the dominant rather than yourself.

10. People who think the word submit means “only do what I want to the degree I want.”

Submission means doing what someone else wants, whether you like it or not. Pick your battles rather than making everything an ultimatum and a battle of wills. A d/s relationship is supposed to be about cooperation, not re-enacting the Battle of Hastings every damn time the dom wants something.

11. People who put the word submissive next to their name and then say the dom “has to make me” submit.

If they have to make you, then you are not submissive. Submissive means you do it of your own accord because you were told to by an authority figure.

“Make me” means you’re looking to have a battle and be subjugated. It also means you want the dom to perform for you how you want them to.

12. People who think making a cartoon avatar kneel to another cartoon avatar is a real d/s relationship.

It’s not. It’s playing an interactive RPG on the computer. Nothing more.

It’s a whole other thing when you’re actually in front of the person and kneeling and looking up into their face and knowing they’re about to lay hands on you in a manner possibly of violence…and you’re not going to stop it. There’s no on/off switch. There’s no internet connection to suddenly lose. There’s no employer to conveniently call you into work.

You’re there and you actually have to do all that stuff you pretended to make a cartoon character do.

Very different indeed.

13. People who denigrate those who win awards for their work and accomplishments.

Just because you can’t see beyond the edge of your own relationship doesn’t mean the rest of us have to live in a bubble of isolation too. You may not see the value in entering various master/slave, puppy, pony, etc competitions, but that doesn’t mean there is no value in those things.

People are allowed to be proud of themselves for the things they worked hard at and other people have voted for and judged and decided they are the best.

If you get upset that others are winning awards and are proud of it, when you never even entered, that says more about you than it does about them. It’s your issue and your negative attitude, not theirs.

14. People who use after care as blackmail.

“If I let you play with me for half an hour, you have to give me three days of pampering” gets so fucking old. If you want a relationship, you’re not going to get it through casual play and unreasonable demands of after-pandering.

If you can’t deal with the ramifications of the play you ASKED FOR, then you don’t need to be playing at this bdsm stuff. This is serious shit we’re doing. It’s not for the faint of heart.

Just because a couple movies made it look like fun hawtness doesn’t mean everyone in the world could or SHOULD be doing it.

15. People who think poly means they can hump everyone in the world.

Poly is a series of relationships too. If you just want to be slut of the world, then say so. Using the world poly as an excuse to slut around disrespects those who work hard at their relationships.

16. People who think wearing a collar will solve all their problems and make life easier.

It doesn’t. Those same problems will still be there and you’ll still have to deal with them. A leather band around your neck or a change in your screen name won’t make them magically poof out of existence.

17. People who think being dominant means perfect and mind reader.

So not going to happen. Doms are people. They have bad moments. They have bad days. They forget things just like everyone else. They’re not clairvoyant. They cannot know something is amiss unless the bottom/sub/slave speaks up.

18. People saying they’re no limits BECAUSE he’s not off his rocker and won’t chop off a limb.

Just because he won’t do an insane thing doesn’t mean the sub is no limits. No limits means the sub WOULD do that thing IF he said he wanted to. Not having limits has nothing to do with what the dom will or won’t do. It has everything to do with what the sub/slave WILL do.

19. People who are bisexual and poly and get mad at others for being monogamous and heterosexual.

Ya know what? Their heterosexuality is so totally NOT about you. It’s about them. And it’s not their problem that you don’t like that they wouldn’t fuck you for all the tea in China. They wouldn’t fuck ANYONE of the same sex for all the tea in China, so that excludes half the people in the world.

And the monogamous part means EVERYONE in the world is excluded except ONE person. GET OVER IT! Their monogamy has nothing to do with you personally.

20. People who have never done a thing deciding for others what is or is not safe.

If you’ve never done it, you wouldn’t know. I’ve never done needle play. You don’t see me telling others how to have safe needle play. I’ve never done suspension. You don’t see me telling other people how to safely perform Shibari.

If you’ve never done it, shut the fuck up already.

You’re NOT helping. In fact, you’re hurting the efforts of those who actually have done it and really do know. You’re muddying the waters by providing erroneous information and passing it off as gospel.

21. People who think everyone comes to the site just to find someone to fuck and that there is no other valid reason to be here.

Social website, nimrod.  Says right there in the TOU (Terms of Use).

Social means sharing the many aspects of our lives and not just the one thing many of us have in common – liking to fuck.

22. Women who don’t like penetration for more than five minutes, can’t stand cum on them, who are in a relationship solely with their vibrator…yelling at men who do want to have sex.

Just because you don’t like to fuck doesn’t mean other people can’t mention sex around you. Why are you here on this site if you’re so sex-negative in the first place?

It may not be a hook-up site, but it’s sure centered around all things sex and kink-positive. So if you’re actually NOT a sexual being and you hate all things having to do with sex and you’re NOT kinky, don’t go to events, don’t meet people, are not a toppish person and not a bottomish person…then why are taking up space here?

I’m an Atheist. You don’t see me going to Christian websites and then bitching that people are interested in and are talking about Christ.

That’s what you’re doing here.

23. People deciding for others who is real or not based solely on whether or not they have public face pics.

So very erroneous.

Not having a face pic you can see doesn’t mean I’ve not caned and beaten bloody all those asses I’ve caned and beaten bloody. It doesn’t mean I’ve not attended two parties a month for two years or been in the public scene for five years. Doesn’t mean I’ve not sold all those floggers I made for eight years.

Not having a face pic you can see doesn’t mean I’ve not been in the relationships I’ve been in and that I’ve not done the things I’ve done.

Rather the reverse. It is BECAUSE of the things I do that you cannot see my face.

When we meet face to face, THEN you can see my face. What are the odds of that happening? Slim and nil, because you are hundreds of miles away.

When you send me a friend request and I accept it, THEN you can see my face. What are the odds of that? Slim and nil. Remember, you think I’m not real because I’m not blasting my face for three million people I don’t know to see. So I guess you’re just shit outta luck because I already know what a closed-minded ass you are and I don’t friend closed-minded asses.

24. People who have never met, who conduct their d/s relationship entirely online, saying they’re in a long distance relationship.

If you’d met and then separated for whatever reason (military, job transfer, etc) and were maintaining the relationship until you could be together again, I’d agree.

But if you’ve never met the person in the first place and there’s no plan to permanently be together in the flesh, then it’s nothing more than a cyberland relationship. It’s a dead-end piece of hot air.

25. Women who had one weekend with a dude five states away two years ago and think that qualifies them to speak on all things about being a 24/7 slave.

No, it doesn’t. Really, it doesn’t. You’re qualified to speak on visiting someone for a weekend and flying home and returning to your existing life. Nothing more.

26. People who come to the site wondering what a sub is (or what a dom is), proclaiming they are the bestest sub (or dom) in the world three weeks later, decrying all others who don’t sub (or dom) like they do (even though they haven’t actually done it with anyone yet), who then complain they’ve had four blind dates and nothing came of it, and two weeks after that they’re the perfect slave (or master) for every occasion and two weeks after that, they’re a pro dom.

Schizophrenia is a treatable condition. Please look into it.

27. People who post to a group of thousands of complete strangers to get validation for their own bad behavior and so they can point the BAD DOM or BAD SUB finger at their partner.

Settle that shit between yourselves.

I don’t agree with taking “house business” to the intertubez for resolution in the first place. I’m not part of your relationship. Those thousands of other strangers are not part of your relationship. We don’t know the other person. We don’t have all the facts and we never will because you’re going to hold back the parts that make you look worse and you’re going to play up the parts that make them look worse.

28. People who take themselves so super serial seriously that they get themselves into a frothing, apoplectic fit when other people post opinions and experience counter to their own.

It’s just a website, people. No one is going to like all the sex things you like. No one is going to have all the exact kinks you do. No one is going to think exactly the same way about exactly the same things, either positive or negative.

And that’s okay! The personal opinions of others are NOT a personal affront toward you.

No one’s opinions have any impact on your own life. Honest.


Dame Tyler's PEEPERDame Tyler is a real-world, experienced sadomasochist who’s been doing this stuff almost literally half Her life. Author of the award winning books Peeper and Arlyn the Deliverer, She is forever writing and will no doubt die with a pen in Her hand and a thesaurus open on Her thigh. She also crochets, quilts and bakes. You can  donate supplies for Dame Tyler’s Charity Works.  Check it all out HERE!

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More Safety Tips For Dommes by Divine Lady Sunna

Safety is an under-discussed issue in the world of BDSM. I get that talk of fancy rigging and latex cat suits is a turn on. Here’s the Dommely deal: I want You to be wildly, lustfully turned on to have fantastic kinky adventures AND I want You do it as safely as possible! This article contains tips and tricks of the trade from a 24/7 lifestyler and Pro-Domme.

*All the links I provide are to products I actually use Myself. I do not have any deal with any companies. If You want My opinion on something and I think it’s terrible, I will tell You it’s junk. Trust Me, I have bought junk before and I wouldn’t recommend anything I do not find to be of high quality.

Internet Safety

  • Never use both your first and last name in a screen name. I wouldn’t suggest using either, but it is a personal choice.
  • Use a separate email address and instant messenger ID to conduct your kink affairs
  • If you are very closeted, don’t share face pics online. You can share them person to person once you meet somebody you like.
  • Pictureless profiles are creepy. At least put up a body shot or a picture of something you enjoy doing.
  • Don’t use face with full nudity pictures unless you are ok with anyone seeing that. What is put on the internet is there forever, despite the delete buttons You see. Somebody may have already downloaded and reposted Your pic elsewhere.
  • Block irritating and abusive online kinksters. Many people feel needlessly guilty over this. If somebody is rude or offensive, they have earned the ban.

Phone Safety

  • You can block your number (from a cell or landline) using *67 before dialing the rest of the phone number. Your call will show up as unknown or private caller. For example: Call 1-800-555-1234 would be punched in as *6718005551234
  • Consider using Skype. You can get your own free online phone number and talk there with less risk than using an unblocked personal phone. They have just phone line communication available, in addition to their webcam service.

Travel Safety

  • When meeting a new person, consider being dropped off and picked up by a trusted friend.
  • If driving yourself, have GPS or maps of the area, if you are not familiar with the location or get lost easily.
  • Be sure Your car has at least a 1/2 tank of gas.
  • Keep an emergency $20 bill in the car. You never know when it might be needed.
  • Be sure your cell phone is charged (even better, remember Your car charger to bring with You).
  • Choose a location You know in a comfortable area, if at all possible.
  • Have an Emergency Car Kit and Crank Flashlight, plus a spare blanket in your trunk, and/or AAA membership.
  • Ensure doors are locked when driving up to parking area of meeting.
  • Know how long Your trip will take to and from location (consider rush hour/commute traffic), so You have a reasonable idea of when You will get home. MapQuest is an easy way to do this.

Meet up Safety

  • Before meeting up with anyone, I firmly and enthusiastically recommend taking a self-defense course designed for Women. I am a certified self-defense instructor with the RAD program. RAD inexpensive at just $25 for a two week course (5 classes total), designed by police officers, offered internationally, plus has a lifetime return and practice free policy. If you cannot afford the course, scholarships are available. This program will change Your life! RAD’s Website
  • Have a safe call in place. Give the safe call person a face photo of the person You are meeting. If anything goes wrong, they can call the police and give them the photo.
  • Meet in a public place the first few times.
  • Snap a cell pic of the person’s license plate or text yourself the state and plate number, plus color, make, model of the car. You can then forward this to Your safe call person.
  • Carry a stungun/flashlight combo. The flashlight is super useful and bright. Be sure it is fully charged and You know how to use it. It will do You no good at the bottom of Your pocketbook. Carry it in hand when walking alone. I place Mine in an open purse pocket, so I can grab it at any time, or use the holder to clip it to My belt. I have used this exact device on an attacker in a parking garage and can tell You, from personal experience, it will take down a large adult male with one solid zap to the chest. My Stungun

Dating Safety

  • There is no need to rush! Take things slow and enjoy them. Never let anyone pressure You into activities You dislike or aren’t ready for. As the Dominant, You set the tone and the pace of the relationship. Anyone who disrespects that is a) not genuinely submissive and b) not worth Your time.
  • Look out for red flags: a temper, emotionally instability, forming too quick or too deep of an attachment, following every single thing You post online obsessively, IMing/emailing/calling constantly, odd restrictions on times You can call/meet, wedding band tan, only uses cash, will never let You come to their home, etc.
  • Be sure to discuss what kind of relationship (if any), You both want and set appropriate boundaries. Is this a one-time hookup? A fuck buddy? (Do You even want sex as part of Your play?) A regular play partner? Are you guys going to be monogamous or polyamorous? Do you want a Top/bottom, D/s or M/s dynamic?
  • Talk about Your experiences in BDSM in the past. Why did the past vanilla or kink relationships end?
  • Consider sharing a BDSM checklist (particularly if You are new to the scene) Original BDSM Checklist
  • Consider contracts, if You wish for a more long term play partner or relationship. Sample Consensual Slavery Contract
  • Consider if You and Your new partner are responsible and invested enough to maintain a D/s or M/s dynamic. It takes a lot of work, passion and dedication. Some people are just meant to casually play together, not have a Total Power Exchange.

Play Safety

  • Learn CPR/First Aid. A lot of workplaces will let You take this training for free. Find a CPR Class
  • Carry an up to date First Aid Kit in Your toy bag. You can buy pre-assembled ones for about $10 at a drug store or online. Remember to check through it once a month to replace used supplies and check expiration dates once a year. Order a Kit Here
  • Carry EMT scissors. They can cut through rope and clothing. For kinky fun, use them to remove Your play partners clothing (make sure they are ok with it!)They can be purchased for less than $10 at adult stores or cheaper online. Order Scissors Here
  • Keep Your First Aid Kit, EMT scissors and charge cell phone out when playing. You don’t want to be frantically digging for them when they are needed.
  • Save Your emergency contact in Your cell phone under ICE (In Case of Emergency) and ask play partner to do the same. This is a universally recognized code for EMT’s, police and hospitals to find out who they should call, if you are unconscious. For example, the contact in Your phone would read: ICE Jane Doe. Everybody knows to call Jane, should an emergency occur.
  • Find out if Your partner wishes You to accompany them to the hospital, should there be an emergency and vice versa. The time ask is before a crisis, not during!
  • Negotiate fully. Take Your time here and discuss everything.
  •  Don’t accept a play partner who claims to have no limits. How about the “Unholy Trinity,” as call it in the BDSM world, of no kids, no animals and no dead beings? All sane people have limits.
  • Use and respect safewords. The most common safeword is Red and this is recognized in any English speaking BDSM community.
  • Before getting into a scene, find out Your partners allergies, medical conditions that affect play and any triggers they may have. It is also wise to have them put out on the table any meds they might need (i.e. an inhaler or anxiety medications.)
  • If You are using any devices with locks, have a backup set of keys out in the open. Conversely, strong bolt cutters will work if all keys suddenly go missing, but most people don’t like giant choppers near their tender bits!
  • Learn proper technique for impact play. You must know where the acceptable strike zones are. This diagram does not include breasts or genitals, but these areas may be struck carefully and lightly with appropriately sized implements (I refer to such small floggers as “Titty-Clitties” or “Dick-Flickers”). If You are a newbie, You may want to get some guidance on how to do so safely. Strike Zones
  • Test impact play toys on Yourself fist, so You know how they feel. The front of Your thighs or over Your shoulder are good places to test on.  You may also wish to have a trusted friend with solid BDSM skills give You a taster session.
  • For specialty skills like fire play, electro play, play piercing, etc., You should watch YouTube video demos, take classes, be mentored and/or read in book or online about safe technique. Personally, I like to test things on Myself first. I practiced lighting Myself on fire many times before trying it on a partner.
  • Clean all BDSM implements with antibacterial wipes and then for hide items, leather wipes (to condition material).
  • Wash sex toys in quality sex toy cleaner. Toy Cleaner  (Editor’s Note: 5/21/14: Minnesota issues ban on antibacterial ingredient: triclosan)
  • Sterilize tools used to scratch or break skin (Wartenberg pinwheels, needles, claws, etc.) before and after use.
  • Have condoms, dental dams and sterile gloves available in Your toy bag. Condoms work well to cover toys, as well as their traditional use on penises. Remember; check the expiration date on condoms!
  • Use either individual lube packets (great for travel and toy bags) or separate lube containers for each partner.
  • Get STD testing every 3 months. Even if You are a mono couple, it is best to be safe. Sometimes people cheat. It sucks to think about that, but it would suck more to get sick. Some STDs have a longer incubation period and don’t show up immediately on tests, thus the quarterly testing. Planned Parenthood will help You get tested privately and discreetly, even if You are broke.
  • Use contraception, if you are in a heterosexual pairing. Again, Planned Parenthood can help You with low cost or free exams and contraception.
  • Be aware of the floor surface You are playing on. High heels and carpet tend not to mix well. Clear the area of clutter, so there is nothing to trip on.  Yes, I did learn this lesson the hard way. Hehe!
  • Be aware of Your back-swing area. You need the height of the Dominant, plus the length of their arm, plus the length of the toy, plus a few inches wiggle room. If You don’t have the space consider playing outside on Your private property or a friend’s, away from public view. You can also rent Dungeon space in some areas that have more room and other fun devices of torture!
  • If playing with others present, be sure they are safely back from the play area. Nobody likes an unsuspecting whip to the eyeball.
  • Clothespins, clamps, CBT bondage, etc. should be limited to 20 minutes on at a time. Otherwise, You can damage skin and nerves. The items can be safely replaced after a 20 minute break.
  • Rope knots must always be tied outside the wrist, never inside.
  • Handcuffs are poor restraints. They are nice for decorative purposes and help impede a slave doing domestic chores. Leather or vegan cuffs are best.
  • Quick release Panic Snaps are excellent to use to connect the cuffs to chains/eyebolts. That way, if Your partner passes out or becomes anxious, You can easily release them.
  • Have snacks containing protein and sugar in Your toy bag to rejuvenate  a partner who faints or just for aftercare time.
  • Know Your partner’s physical and emotional limitations. A short and sexy scene is better than a prolonged trainwreck.
  • Know Your Own limits and stamina!
  • When doing intense scenes, try to incorporate warm up, unless this has been pre-negotiated to be a start to finish harsh scene.
  • Have water and towels handy (for spills, bodily fluid/sweat) at all times.
  • Tread lightly with humiliation play. A friend described it to Me this way: A house has to have 4 post which hold it up. You can take away every brick and board in the place, but it will still stand. However, if You mess with the core supports, the whole thing collapses. Everyone has some taboo things they cannot be teased about. Be sure to learn what these things are for each unique play partner. Be prepared to give extra-long aftercare.
  • Anal play is fun, but You can’t just attack a virgin with a jumbo strap on. Lube is Your friend. Consider anal training for Your partner (either solo or together). Basic Anal Training Guide
  • Distinguish “funishment” from punishment. “Funishment” is, “Boy! You miss a spot polishing My boots! Now, You have to lick them from top to bottom.” Fun for everybody, yes? It is also reminding the partner to be thorough in the future. Punishment is more like this: Your sub embarrassed You at a play party by disobeying You in front of Your friends, so he must take strong lashes from the cane until he cries and go to bed without supper. Punishment is neither sexually or emotionally satisfying. Confuse the two and You will end up with a ill-behaved, Smart Ass Masochist on Your hands. (Great if You like that, but frustrating, if You don’t!)
  • Explain punishment. What did they do wrong? Why has it upset You? What will happen if they repeat the offense? I find lectures while swinging a menacing implement, are quite effective. A little corner time makes it all sink in.
  • Aftercare is important. It is polite to offer it to anyone You play with, although some do not prefer it. Basic aftercare is: providing a blanket, water, snack and cuddles. You might also wish to thank them for playing and discuss the scene. It is customary to get in touch the next day to see if they are experiencing sub drop.
  • Top drop is real. If you are feeling depressed or just plain old weird after play (or the next day), get some TLC from Your partner or a friend.
  • You will make mistakes because You are human. Learn to genuinely apologize. (Hint: the word “but” has no place in an apology!)
  • Have sexy, kinky, orgasmic fun!

Known online as the DivineLadySunna, Sunna Divine, is both a lifestyle Domme and Professional Dominatrix. Ever since Her early days of vanilla dating, Sunna has been both a sadist and a Top…too bad the boyfriends didn’t know it! From the very beginning of grade school, She has been known to tie mischievous boys to a tree with a jump rope and tickle them till they pee their naughty pants. Thankfully, age and education led Her to the promised kinkyland of BDSM.

Ms. Divine attends local munches, play parties, conferences and events, such as the Fetish Flea. Always independent, fabulous and vivacious, Lady Sunna chooses to make Her own way in a man’s world as a Female Supremacist, BDSM model, business Woman and a Fetish Artist. She strives always to expand Her knowledge of BDSM, improve Her technical skills and make interesting new kinkster friends.

Located in the Portland, Maine area, Lady Sunna offers both live, phone and online sessions, plus photo shoots, for bottom/sub/slave clients. She is known for Her inclusive, judgment free attitude and a special tenderness with gender variant individuals. Her specialties include: Protocol, corporeal punishment, sissy and trans makeovers, service oriented submission training and rough play/DommeHandling.

You can follow Her on Twitter @DivineLadySunna.

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