Proofing Note to Dame Tyler about revisions to original:
Omitted Text at #21; [added text] at #5, 2nd paragraph and #21
by Dame Tyler
1. People who have never been to sm parties and munches telling others what to do, how to dress, how to behave and what happens at sm parties and munches.
If you’ve never been there, you wouldn’t know. If you speak only on the subjects you actually have experience and knowledge of, you wouldn’t be saying much of anything in any of the threads on anything.
<closes eyes and dreams of a moment like that>
2. People who have never been to a slave auction telling other people how a slave auction works.
If you’ve never attended one, you wouldn’t know.
3. People who have only ever done cam/online bdsm telling those in face to face, physically present relationships they’re doing it wrong.
If you’ve never actually done anything with another person you could touch, you wouldn’t know how it’s “supposed” to go with someone you can touch.
4. People who say they are no limits but then say one of the rules they have is to “protect the property, even if it means protecting the property from him.”
Guess what? You are saying you can enforce a limit. If you’re standing in the middle of the road because he told you to and a car is coming and you get out of the way of that car even though he told you to stand there, you have set a limit. Your limit is that you will not let yourself be hit by a car even if he told you to.
5. People who get upset when others mention how long they’ve been doing this SM stuff or how long they’ve been in a relationship.
Newsflash! — The people posting in the thread aren’t posting for the benefit of other posters responding to the same questions. They’re posting for the benefit of the OP who asked the question.
That OP [original poster] might be brand new to the group and may never have seen any of the posters before. They wouldn’t know one from another and wouldn’t know who has practical experience and who doesn’t. So while you may frequently see someone say they’ve been in a relationship for 7 years but have been doing this for 15, the person who matters (the one who asked the questions in the first place) has never seen it said by any of those people.
People who are proud of their relationships say how many years they’ve been in that relationship. They say how long they’ve been together, how long married. It’s a relatable context that other humans understand. It’s merely a statement of fact, not something said just to annoy you personally.
If you get upset by others stating their years of experience or years in a relationship, that reaction is about you. Not the other person.
6. People who bitch about dudes having their dick for an avatar but they themselves are flashing tits or a nipple or their bare ass.
Dude shows his dick and you flash your tits. There’s really no difference. Personally, I don’t want to see either one. How about both of ya put that shit away.
7. People with no or very limited practical bdsm or d/s/m/s relationship experience telling others what they must do in their relationships and deciding the definitions of terms for everyone else.
Broken record time. If you’ve never had a d/s relationship or an m/s relationship, you have no business telling others what rules or protocols they must have or what that relationship must look like. Each house and each relationship gets to decide all that stuff for themselves.
8. Chicks who flash their tits and then whine that someone looked at their tits and made a crass comment.
Set it to friends only! Crass dudes are going to say crass things. Been that way for 20,000 years and will be that way for the next 20,000 years. You can teach 49,999 dudes to be civil and there will always be that ONE who will remain an ass regardless. If you cannot handle that one, then don’t post the pics or make it so that person cannot see the pic. Problem solved.
9. People with no practical experience extolling the “subby has the power” thing.
That goes right out the window when you’re standing in front of a dom who tells you to do something and stands there until you do it and doesn’t back down because you weren’t “feeling it”.
Subby has the power right up to the moment he/she says “Yes, I’ll be yours.” Then that power is gone, because you gave it to the dom, and you’re expected to do what you’re told (within reason) and (dare I say it) serve the dominant rather than yourself.
10. People who think the word submit means “only do what I want to the degree I want.”
Submission means doing what someone else wants, whether you like it or not. Pick your battles rather than making everything an ultimatum and a battle of wills. A d/s relationship is supposed to be about cooperation, not re-enacting the Battle of Hastings every damn time the dom wants something.
11. People who put the word submissive next to their name and then say the dom “has to make me” submit.
If they have to make you, then you are not submissive. Submissive means you do it of your own accord because you were told to by an authority figure.
“Make me” means you’re looking to have a battle and be subjugated. It also means you want the dom to perform for you how you want them to.
12. People who think making a cartoon avatar kneel to another cartoon avatar is a real d/s relationship.
It’s not. It’s playing an interactive RPG on the computer. Nothing more.
It’s a whole other thing when you’re actually in front of the person and kneeling and looking up into their face and knowing they’re about to lay hands on you in a manner possibly of violence…and you’re not going to stop it. There’s no on/off switch. There’s no internet connection to suddenly lose. There’s no employer to conveniently call you into work.
You’re there and you actually have to do all that stuff you pretended to make a cartoon character do.
Very different indeed.
13. People who denigrate those who win awards for their work and accomplishments.
Just because you can’t see beyond the edge of your own relationship doesn’t mean the rest of us have to live in a bubble of isolation too. You may not see the value in entering various master/slave, puppy, pony, etc competitions, but that doesn’t mean there is no value in those things.
People are allowed to be proud of themselves for the things they worked hard at and other people have voted for and judged and decided they are the best.
If you get upset that others are winning awards and are proud of it, when you never even entered, that says more about you than it does about them. It’s your issue and your negative attitude, not theirs.
14. People who use after care as blackmail.
“If I let you play with me for half an hour, you have to give me three days of pampering” gets so fucking old. If you want a relationship, you’re not going to get it through casual play and unreasonable demands of after-pandering.
If you can’t deal with the ramifications of the play you ASKED FOR, then you don’t need to be playing at this bdsm stuff. This is serious shit we’re doing. It’s not for the faint of heart.
Just because a couple movies made it look like fun hawtness doesn’t mean everyone in the world could or SHOULD be doing it.
15. People who think poly means they can hump everyone in the world.
Poly is a series of relationships too. If you just want to be slut of the world, then say so. Using the world poly as an excuse to slut around disrespects those who work hard at their relationships.
16. People who think wearing a collar will solve all their problems and make life easier.
It doesn’t. Those same problems will still be there and you’ll still have to deal with them. A leather band around your neck or a change in your screen name won’t make them magically poof out of existence.
17. People who think being dominant means perfect and mind reader.
So not going to happen. Doms are people. They have bad moments. They have bad days. They forget things just like everyone else. They’re not clairvoyant. They cannot know something is amiss unless the bottom/sub/slave speaks up.
18. People saying they’re no limits BECAUSE he’s not off his rocker and won’t chop off a limb.
Just because he won’t do an insane thing doesn’t mean the sub is no limits. No limits means the sub WOULD do that thing IF he said he wanted to. Not having limits has nothing to do with what the dom will or won’t do. It has everything to do with what the sub/slave WILL do.
19. People who are bisexual and poly and get mad at others for being monogamous and heterosexual.
Ya know what? Their heterosexuality is so totally NOT about you. It’s about them. And it’s not their problem that you don’t like that they wouldn’t fuck you for all the tea in China. They wouldn’t fuck ANYONE of the same sex for all the tea in China, so that excludes half the people in the world.
And the monogamous part means EVERYONE in the world is excluded except ONE person. GET OVER IT! Their monogamy has nothing to do with you personally.
20. People who have never done a thing deciding for others what is or is not safe.
If you’ve never done it, you wouldn’t know. I’ve never done needle play. You don’t see me telling others how to have safe needle play. I’ve never done suspension. You don’t see me telling other people how to safely perform Shibari.
If you’ve never done it, shut the fuck up already.
You’re NOT helping. In fact, you’re hurting the efforts of those who actually have done it and really do know. You’re muddying the waters by providing erroneous information and passing it off as gospel.
21. People who think everyone comes to the site just to find someone to fuck and that there is no other valid reason to be here.
Social website, nimrod.
Social means sharing the many aspects of our lives and not just the one thing many of us have in common – liking to fuck.
22. Women who don’t like penetration for more than five minutes, can’t stand cum on them, who are in a relationship solely with their vibrator…yelling at men who do want to have sex.
Just because you don’t like to fuck doesn’t mean other people can’t mention sex around you. Why are you here on this site if you’re so sex-negative in the first place?
It may not be a hook-up site, but it’s sure centered around all things sex and kink-positive. So if you’re actually NOT a sexual being and you hate all things having to do with sex and you’re NOT kinky, don’t go to events, don’t meet people, are not a toppish person and not a bottomish person…then why are taking up space here?
I’m an Atheist. You don’t see me going to Christian websites and then bitching that people are interested in and are talking about Christ.
That’s what you’re doing here.
23. People deciding for others who is real or not based solely on whether or not they have public face pics.
So very erroneous.
Not having a face pic you can see doesn’t mean I’ve not caned and beaten bloody all those asses I’ve caned and beaten bloody. It doesn’t mean I’ve not attended two parties a month for two years or been in the public scene for five years. Doesn’t mean I’ve not sold all those floggers I made for eight years.
Not having a face pic you can see doesn’t mean I’ve not been in the relationships I’ve been in and that I’ve not done the things I’ve done.
Rather the reverse. It is BECAUSE of the things I do that you cannot see my face.
When we meet face to face, THEN you can see my face. What are the odds of that happening? Slim and nil, because you are hundreds of miles away.
When you send me a friend request and I accept it, THEN you can see my face. What are the odds of that? Slim and nil. Remember, you think I’m not real because I’m not blasting my face for three million people I don’t know to see. So I guess you’re just shit outta luck because I already know what a closed-minded ass you are and I don’t friend closed-minded asses.
24. People who have never met, who conduct their d/s relationship entirely online, saying they’re in a long distance relationship.
If you’d met and then separated for whatever reason (military, job transfer, etc) and were maintaining the relationship until you could be together again, I’d agree.
But if you’ve never met the person in the first place and there’s no plan to permanently be together in the flesh, then it’s nothing more than a cyberland relationship. It’s a dead-end piece of hot air.
25. Women who had one weekend with a dude five states away two years ago and think that qualifies them to speak on all things about being a 24/7 slave.
No, it doesn’t. Really, it doesn’t. You’re qualified to speak on visiting someone for a weekend and flying home and returning to your existing life. Nothing more.
26. People who come to the site wondering what a sub is (or what a dom is), proclaiming they are the bestest sub (or dom) in the world three weeks later, decrying all others who don’t sub (or dom) like they do (even though they haven’t actually done it with anyone yet), who then complain they’ve had four blind dates and nothing came of it, and two weeks after that they’re the perfect slave (or master) for every occasion and two weeks after that, they’re a pro dom.
Schizophrenia is a treatable condition. Please look into it.
27. People who post to a group of thousands of complete strangers to get validation for their own bad behavior and so they can point the BAD DOM or BAD SUB finger at their partner.
Settle that shit between yourselves.
I don’t agree with taking “house business” to the intertubez for resolution in the first place. I’m not part of your relationship. Those thousands of other strangers are not part of your relationship. We don’t know the other person. We don’t have all the facts and we never will because you’re going to hold back the parts that make you look worse and you’re going to play up the parts that make them look worse.
28. People who take themselves so super serial seriously that they get themselves into a frothing, apoplectic fit when other people post opinions and experience counter to their own.
It’s just a website, people. No one is going to like all the sex things you like. No one is going to have all the exact kinks you do. No one is going to think exactly the same way about exactly the same things, either positive or negative.
And that’s okay! The personal opinions of others are NOT a personal affront toward you.
No one’s opinions have any impact on your own life. Honest.
Dame Tyler is a real-world, experienced sadomasochist who’s been doing this stuff almost literally half Her life. Author of the award winning books Peeper and Arlyn the Deliverer, She is forever writing and will no doubt die with a pen in Her hand and a thesaurus open on Her thigh. She also crochets, quilts and bakes.
Purchase Dame Tyler’s beautiful, handmade crafts and the proceeds support Her Charity Works which include animal rescue services. You can also donate supplies for Dame Tyler’s Charity Works. Check it all out HERE!