Why you Don’t & Won’t Have What you Want

Why you Don’t & Won’t Have What you Want by The Mistress Didi* is an excerpt from Her Ask Mistress Didi* Mentoring blog.

June 2014

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

Dear Mistress Didi*,

You were unfair to dismiss me…  i tried my best to serve You…  You didn’t give me a chance… [Other whining without acknowledging responsibility omitted.]

‑ “pitty-me” sub

I encourage people, especially Dominants, to pass this on to subs, “wanna-subs,” and others who dare to attempt to guilt You into tolerating their abominable behaviors.

PAY ATTENTION:

I am consistent for a reason: to maintain the excellence of My Domain on My terms and to thwart whining attempts to top from the bottom and other idiot behaviors by manipulative creatures.  The Rules of My Domain are provided to EVERYONE, listed on My websites, and even listed on The DommeSalon™ site so that there are NO valid reasons nor opportunities for irresponsible, whiny, outrage that you do not have what you want — and you never will — not from Me or anyone of value.

I am unique.  I take the time to be as clear as possible by writing My requirements and making them available to EVERY person who desires to be a part of My Domain and I also make My Rules publicly available.  VERY few Dominants do this – why they don’t baffles Me when the practice cuts down on the fakers, shakers, and annoyance makers.  The process I use for My Rules is consistent with how I run My Domain and My businesses.  I seldom, if ever, deviate from this process because it is the deal-breaker when people want to “work their idiocy.”

When your intention is to use a situation to accommodate who you think you are without respect for the situation, you deny the opportunity for growth of any kind and you will always end up being deficient from the same pattern of behavior as demonstrated by your failure in My Domain:

1)  you psyche yourself into believing you are worthy of a situation that thrills you – that you do NOT have in your life, but which you DO want.  Many people see a BDSM movie and, just because they think they are amused by identifyng with a Dominant or get a stirring in their loins from thoughts of being a submissive, they believe that they ARE already this fantasy as a reality. Foolishly, because you know that you’re full of XXXX, you want to believe that I am – though I repeat Myself when I tell everyone that this world and way of being is My REALITY AND MY LIFESTYLE.

I often encounter this scenario with newbie Dominants who, after seeking My counsel and tutelage, get carried away and think they can tell ME how to be a Domme…  What’s worse are the ones who forget their manners and dare to think they can dick-tate the terms of Our relationship to Me (see Confusing Dominance For Bullying).

2)  you RECEIVE AND AGREE to My Rules, which I email to you prior to permitting you to connect with Me for service and you say anything to get moving on your scheme of crazy thinking that I will acquiesce to the ridiculous standards that you are accustomed to with the silly females (and males) in your life.

What always amazes Me is how any of you can think that you are so “special” that I will suddenly NOT maintain the Domain I’ve built and have sustained for the greater part of My life because you popped up wanting the same thing I’ve heard for many years and continue to hear day in and day out.  None of you are ever original; same stupidity, different moron.

REMEMBER:  you want What I Have and Who I Am because on your deepest level, you know that the value given to you by the silly females/males in your realm is FALSE.   you need Me and Mine to desperately try to convince yourself otherwise.   you should be grateful to these silly people and treat them better.  Their delusional love for and about you may be all you have to get you through your life.  While less than what you want and deserve, atleast, be worthy of them.

3)  you LIE and attempt to cheat by not honoring your agreement/following instructions and try to shirk your responsibility in all aspects of the scenario.  Worse, you dare to pull a “brat attack.”  I do not see how anyone with an iota of intelligence can think that I will be guilty for NOT accepting your choice to be inferior.

4)  Soon, you realize that you’ve dug your own grave because, again, I HAVE WHAT you WANT, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.  I graciously gave you the chance to step up and show up to be worthy of what you want and you failed.  That recognition of your reality is going to eat at you for an eternity.  Why?  Because:

  • you maintain delusions of believing you are greater than you will ever be because you do NO work to be better;
  • you will always be inferior because you are lazy and ludicrous; and
  • you refuse to accept personal responsibility for your failings and, therefore, will fail in your goals by either doing a half-azzed job which will result in ineptitude or by not realizing them at all.  you will remain a loser.

5)  When you fail in your pathetic tirade to Me, you run to any and every loser who will gobble your maligning tales against Me like the toxic, gluttons they are.  you will then foolishly believe that you found your niche and a “community” where you can live out your fantasies. The only thing you will find are others who mirror your inadequacies.  your reputation will become known by Quality Fetishists and humans, who will shun you.  The more you associate with slime, the faster your lack of value will be noticeable by those who actually have what you desire.

Think of it this way:  puss starts small and expands –> gangrene –> amputation –> discard of the useless appendage –> beauty marred and functionality impaired –> life sux more and is harder.  

IMPORTANT NOTE:  This analogy is meant to connect a personality defect to the physical level for better conceptual comprehension.  If you are a soldier who lost a limb(s) honorably, NO ONE OF VALUE will consider you less beautiful and definitely not less functional because soldiers are miraculous people who CAN do anything.  Remove your greatness from anyone who does not appreciate you.  This is why it is so important for Us to SUPPORT OUR TROOPS, VOTE FOR Veteran Benefits, and pay attention towho/which pundits do not (always the same creatures who want to send everyone else’s children to war).

While there are a lot like you, there is only one Me.  you will quickly be replaced by those who are always waiting in line to serve Me and those who follow The Rules are always granted sanctuary in My Domain.  Those who enact the mediocre behaviors that define you will join you in the world of sleaze, greed, and irresponsible dangers parading as fetishists in the world today.

Summary

  • you are delusional in your views of yourself and when given the opportunity to indulge in what someone else created that you want, you refuse to do any work to be worthy of it;
  • you lack respect for what you want and those who have created it and you lie, cheat, and attempt to defame when you fail; and
  • you refuse to accept personal responsibility for your failings and you will remain a pathetic loser.

AGAIN, I advise you to download and read My Complimentary Fetish Etiquette Guide, How To Present yourself To A Mistress.

Always MY Pleasure & The Best,
The Mistress Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com
www.Blackthornz.com

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

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More Safety Tips For Dommes by Divine Lady Sunna

Safety is an under-discussed issue in the world of BDSM. I get that talk of fancy rigging and latex cat suits is a turn on. Here’s the Dommely deal: I want You to be wildly, lustfully turned on to have fantastic kinky adventures AND I want You do it as safely as possible! This article contains tips and tricks of the trade from a 24/7 lifestyler and Pro-Domme.

*All the links I provide are to products I actually use Myself. I do not have any deal with any companies. If You want My opinion on something and I think it’s terrible, I will tell You it’s junk. Trust Me, I have bought junk before and I wouldn’t recommend anything I do not find to be of high quality.

Internet Safety

  • Never use both your first and last name in a screen name. I wouldn’t suggest using either, but it is a personal choice.
  • Use a separate email address and instant messenger ID to conduct your kink affairs
  • If you are very closeted, don’t share face pics online. You can share them person to person once you meet somebody you like.
  • Pictureless profiles are creepy. At least put up a body shot or a picture of something you enjoy doing.
  • Don’t use face with full nudity pictures unless you are ok with anyone seeing that. What is put on the internet is there forever, despite the delete buttons You see. Somebody may have already downloaded and reposted Your pic elsewhere.
  • Block irritating and abusive online kinksters. Many people feel needlessly guilty over this. If somebody is rude or offensive, they have earned the ban.

Phone Safety

  • You can block your number (from a cell or landline) using *67 before dialing the rest of the phone number. Your call will show up as unknown or private caller. For example: Call 1-800-555-1234 would be punched in as *6718005551234
  • Consider using Skype. You can get your own free online phone number and talk there with less risk than using an unblocked personal phone. They have just phone line communication available, in addition to their webcam service.

Travel Safety

  • When meeting a new person, consider being dropped off and picked up by a trusted friend.
  • If driving yourself, have GPS or maps of the area, if you are not familiar with the location or get lost easily.
  • Be sure Your car has at least a 1/2 tank of gas.
  • Keep an emergency $20 bill in the car. You never know when it might be needed.
  • Be sure your cell phone is charged (even better, remember Your car charger to bring with You).
  • Choose a location You know in a comfortable area, if at all possible.
  • Have an Emergency Car Kit and Crank Flashlight, plus a spare blanket in your trunk, and/or AAA membership.
  • Ensure doors are locked when driving up to parking area of meeting.
  • Know how long Your trip will take to and from location (consider rush hour/commute traffic), so You have a reasonable idea of when You will get home. MapQuest is an easy way to do this.

Meet up Safety

  • Before meeting up with anyone, I firmly and enthusiastically recommend taking a self-defense course designed for Women. I am a certified self-defense instructor with the RAD program. RAD inexpensive at just $25 for a two week course (5 classes total), designed by police officers, offered internationally, plus has a lifetime return and practice free policy. If you cannot afford the course, scholarships are available. This program will change Your life! RAD’s Website
  • Have a safe call in place. Give the safe call person a face photo of the person You are meeting. If anything goes wrong, they can call the police and give them the photo.
  • Meet in a public place the first few times.
  • Snap a cell pic of the person’s license plate or text yourself the state and plate number, plus color, make, model of the car. You can then forward this to Your safe call person.
  • Carry a stungun/flashlight combo. The flashlight is super useful and bright. Be sure it is fully charged and You know how to use it. It will do You no good at the bottom of Your pocketbook. Carry it in hand when walking alone. I place Mine in an open purse pocket, so I can grab it at any time, or use the holder to clip it to My belt. I have used this exact device on an attacker in a parking garage and can tell You, from personal experience, it will take down a large adult male with one solid zap to the chest. My Stungun

Dating Safety

  • There is no need to rush! Take things slow and enjoy them. Never let anyone pressure You into activities You dislike or aren’t ready for. As the Dominant, You set the tone and the pace of the relationship. Anyone who disrespects that is a) not genuinely submissive and b) not worth Your time.
  • Look out for red flags: a temper, emotionally instability, forming too quick or too deep of an attachment, following every single thing You post online obsessively, IMing/emailing/calling constantly, odd restrictions on times You can call/meet, wedding band tan, only uses cash, will never let You come to their home, etc.
  • Be sure to discuss what kind of relationship (if any), You both want and set appropriate boundaries. Is this a one-time hookup? A fuck buddy? (Do You even want sex as part of Your play?) A regular play partner? Are you guys going to be monogamous or polyamorous? Do you want a Top/bottom, D/s or M/s dynamic?
  • Talk about Your experiences in BDSM in the past. Why did the past vanilla or kink relationships end?
  • Consider sharing a BDSM checklist (particularly if You are new to the scene) Original BDSM Checklist
  • Consider contracts, if You wish for a more long term play partner or relationship. Sample Consensual Slavery Contract
  • Consider if You and Your new partner are responsible and invested enough to maintain a D/s or M/s dynamic. It takes a lot of work, passion and dedication. Some people are just meant to casually play together, not have a Total Power Exchange.

Play Safety

  • Learn CPR/First Aid. A lot of workplaces will let You take this training for free. Find a CPR Class
  • Carry an up to date First Aid Kit in Your toy bag. You can buy pre-assembled ones for about $10 at a drug store or online. Remember to check through it once a month to replace used supplies and check expiration dates once a year. Order a Kit Here
  • Carry EMT scissors. They can cut through rope and clothing. For kinky fun, use them to remove Your play partners clothing (make sure they are ok with it!)They can be purchased for less than $10 at adult stores or cheaper online. Order Scissors Here
  • Keep Your First Aid Kit, EMT scissors and charge cell phone out when playing. You don’t want to be frantically digging for them when they are needed.
  • Save Your emergency contact in Your cell phone under ICE (In Case of Emergency) and ask play partner to do the same. This is a universally recognized code for EMT’s, police and hospitals to find out who they should call, if you are unconscious. For example, the contact in Your phone would read: ICE Jane Doe. Everybody knows to call Jane, should an emergency occur.
  • Find out if Your partner wishes You to accompany them to the hospital, should there be an emergency and vice versa. The time ask is before a crisis, not during!
  • Negotiate fully. Take Your time here and discuss everything.
  •  Don’t accept a play partner who claims to have no limits. How about the “Unholy Trinity,” as call it in the BDSM world, of no kids, no animals and no dead beings? All sane people have limits.
  • Use and respect safewords. The most common safeword is Red and this is recognized in any English speaking BDSM community.
  • Before getting into a scene, find out Your partners allergies, medical conditions that affect play and any triggers they may have. It is also wise to have them put out on the table any meds they might need (i.e. an inhaler or anxiety medications.)
  • If You are using any devices with locks, have a backup set of keys out in the open. Conversely, strong bolt cutters will work if all keys suddenly go missing, but most people don’t like giant choppers near their tender bits!
  • Learn proper technique for impact play. You must know where the acceptable strike zones are. This diagram does not include breasts or genitals, but these areas may be struck carefully and lightly with appropriately sized implements (I refer to such small floggers as “Titty-Clitties” or “Dick-Flickers”). If You are a newbie, You may want to get some guidance on how to do so safely. Strike Zones
  • Test impact play toys on Yourself fist, so You know how they feel. The front of Your thighs or over Your shoulder are good places to test on.  You may also wish to have a trusted friend with solid BDSM skills give You a taster session.
  • For specialty skills like fire play, electro play, play piercing, etc., You should watch YouTube video demos, take classes, be mentored and/or read in book or online about safe technique. Personally, I like to test things on Myself first. I practiced lighting Myself on fire many times before trying it on a partner.
  • Clean all BDSM implements with antibacterial wipes and then for hide items, leather wipes (to condition material).
  • Wash sex toys in quality sex toy cleaner. Toy Cleaner  (Editor’s Note: 5/21/14: Minnesota issues ban on antibacterial ingredient: triclosan)
  • Sterilize tools used to scratch or break skin (Wartenberg pinwheels, needles, claws, etc.) before and after use.
  • Have condoms, dental dams and sterile gloves available in Your toy bag. Condoms work well to cover toys, as well as their traditional use on penises. Remember; check the expiration date on condoms!
  • Use either individual lube packets (great for travel and toy bags) or separate lube containers for each partner.
  • Get STD testing every 3 months. Even if You are a mono couple, it is best to be safe. Sometimes people cheat. It sucks to think about that, but it would suck more to get sick. Some STDs have a longer incubation period and don’t show up immediately on tests, thus the quarterly testing. Planned Parenthood will help You get tested privately and discreetly, even if You are broke.
  • Use contraception, if you are in a heterosexual pairing. Again, Planned Parenthood can help You with low cost or free exams and contraception.
  • Be aware of the floor surface You are playing on. High heels and carpet tend not to mix well. Clear the area of clutter, so there is nothing to trip on.  Yes, I did learn this lesson the hard way. Hehe!
  • Be aware of Your back-swing area. You need the height of the Dominant, plus the length of their arm, plus the length of the toy, plus a few inches wiggle room. If You don’t have the space consider playing outside on Your private property or a friend’s, away from public view. You can also rent Dungeon space in some areas that have more room and other fun devices of torture!
  • If playing with others present, be sure they are safely back from the play area. Nobody likes an unsuspecting whip to the eyeball.
  • Clothespins, clamps, CBT bondage, etc. should be limited to 20 minutes on at a time. Otherwise, You can damage skin and nerves. The items can be safely replaced after a 20 minute break.
  • Rope knots must always be tied outside the wrist, never inside.
  • Handcuffs are poor restraints. They are nice for decorative purposes and help impede a slave doing domestic chores. Leather or vegan cuffs are best.
  • Quick release Panic Snaps are excellent to use to connect the cuffs to chains/eyebolts. That way, if Your partner passes out or becomes anxious, You can easily release them.
  • Have snacks containing protein and sugar in Your toy bag to rejuvenate  a partner who faints or just for aftercare time.
  • Know Your partner’s physical and emotional limitations. A short and sexy scene is better than a prolonged trainwreck.
  • Know Your Own limits and stamina!
  • When doing intense scenes, try to incorporate warm up, unless this has been pre-negotiated to be a start to finish harsh scene.
  • Have water and towels handy (for spills, bodily fluid/sweat) at all times.
  • Tread lightly with humiliation play. A friend described it to Me this way: A house has to have 4 post which hold it up. You can take away every brick and board in the place, but it will still stand. However, if You mess with the core supports, the whole thing collapses. Everyone has some taboo things they cannot be teased about. Be sure to learn what these things are for each unique play partner. Be prepared to give extra-long aftercare.
  • Anal play is fun, but You can’t just attack a virgin with a jumbo strap on. Lube is Your friend. Consider anal training for Your partner (either solo or together). Basic Anal Training Guide
  • Distinguish “funishment” from punishment. “Funishment” is, “Boy! You miss a spot polishing My boots! Now, You have to lick them from top to bottom.” Fun for everybody, yes? It is also reminding the partner to be thorough in the future. Punishment is more like this: Your sub embarrassed You at a play party by disobeying You in front of Your friends, so he must take strong lashes from the cane until he cries and go to bed without supper. Punishment is neither sexually or emotionally satisfying. Confuse the two and You will end up with a ill-behaved, Smart Ass Masochist on Your hands. (Great if You like that, but frustrating, if You don’t!)
  • Explain punishment. What did they do wrong? Why has it upset You? What will happen if they repeat the offense? I find lectures while swinging a menacing implement, are quite effective. A little corner time makes it all sink in.
  • Aftercare is important. It is polite to offer it to anyone You play with, although some do not prefer it. Basic aftercare is: providing a blanket, water, snack and cuddles. You might also wish to thank them for playing and discuss the scene. It is customary to get in touch the next day to see if they are experiencing sub drop.
  • Top drop is real. If you are feeling depressed or just plain old weird after play (or the next day), get some TLC from Your partner or a friend.
  • You will make mistakes because You are human. Learn to genuinely apologize. (Hint: the word “but” has no place in an apology!)
  • Have sexy, kinky, orgasmic fun!

Known online as the DivineLadySunna, Sunna Divine, is both a lifestyle Domme and Professional Dominatrix. Ever since Her early days of vanilla dating, Sunna has been both a sadist and a Top…too bad the boyfriends didn’t know it! From the very beginning of grade school, She has been known to tie mischievous boys to a tree with a jump rope and tickle them till they pee their naughty pants. Thankfully, age and education led Her to the promised kinkyland of BDSM.

Ms. Divine attends local munches, play parties, conferences and events, such as the Fetish Flea. Always independent, fabulous and vivacious, Lady Sunna chooses to make Her own way in a man’s world as a Female Supremacist, BDSM model, business Woman and a Fetish Artist. She strives always to expand Her knowledge of BDSM, improve Her technical skills and make interesting new kinkster friends.

Located in the Portland, Maine area, Lady Sunna offers both live, phone and online sessions, plus photo shoots, for bottom/sub/slave clients. She is known for Her inclusive, judgment free attitude and a special tenderness with gender variant individuals. Her specialties include: Protocol, corporeal punishment, sissy and trans makeovers, service oriented submission training and rough play/DommeHandling.

You can follow Her on Twitter @DivineLadySunna.

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Mistress Nia’s Email Etiquette Rules

English: email envelope

compiled by Mistress Nia, 2009

It is important that when you make contact with me for consideration as a member of my household that you follow basic etiquette. Know that how you type, and the efforts you make or don’t make will indicate if you are a knowledgeable and polite person.

Read my entire profile and peruse my writings first. Make sure that you know what I am looking for so that you don’t waste your time or mine. If you are still not certain, please ask.

Make sure your message includes a gracious greeting and conclusion.

Assume the highest level of formality with me until the relationship dictates otherwise. My preferences are Ma’am, Ms., or Ms. Nia. Refrain from getting too informal too soon.

Be sure the Subject: field accurately reflects the content of your email. A few well-chosen words are all that are necessary.

Until we are well acquainted, avoid using abbreviations, such as IMHO (in my humble opinion) or TTYL (talk to you later). Don’t assume that I am familiar with them.

Emails with typos are simply not taken as seriously. Take time to spell and grammar check, if you expect me to take my time to read it.

Don’t over or under-use punctuation. It takes me that much longer to process what you are trying say.

If you are sending an attachment, make note of it and describe what the attachment is for in the body. I am very wary of attachments due to the threat of computer viruses.

Be sure that you understand the meaning of every word you use. There are too many Internet sources so you cannot claim ignorance or no resources.

Read your email out loud to ensure the feeling is that which you desire. I realize that it is challenging to capture nuances of mood and feeling with messages and will make some allowances. However, a few additions of the words “please” and “thank you” go a long way!

Never assume the intent of an email from me. If you are not sure – ask!

If your email is emotionally charged, walk away from the computer and wait to reply. Review my email again so that you are sure you are not reading anything into the email that simply isn’t there.

Don’t hesitate to say thank you, how are you, or appreciate your response and generally end your emails with something gracious.

Just because I don’t ask for a response doesn’t mean that I don’t expect one. Always acknowledge my emails in a timely manner. Three days is acceptable; seven to ten days if unable to sign on due to life-in-general issues.

Posting or forwarding of private email is downright rude. You need to request and receive my permission first!

Peace & Blessings,
Mistress Nia

Originally posted March 6, 2010
Last update July 6, 2013

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Warning: This year’s stalker…

A Tip from The Mistress Didi*

Special Note

June 5, 2013

This note was written to assist a person who was dismissed from My Domain for (1) increasingly aggressive behavior, (2) over-stepping boundaries with My Guests and Friends; and (3) endangering My well-being while disobeying medical and legal rules on his driving abilities, to move on with his life in a positive manner and to cease and desist all threats, stalking, harassment (including of My assistants and associates), and attempts to disrupt anything else in My Domain before he destroys his family’s life and future.

 *****

Here’s why I have such extensive security measures for ALL of My Events:

One of the annoyances of extending invitations to the public is having to vet undesireables.

There is always some creature who refuses to take responsibility for his bad behavior being the reason he was ejected from My Domain and not wanted by the people who associate and party with Me.

These types of people were that ugly kid on the playground that no one liked because he was too busy trying to force what he wanted on everyone else and didn’t ever want to learn how to “play nice.” So, when people rejected him for being creepy, a liar, a cheat, a manipulator, etc., he maintained (and still does as an adult) that everyone else is wrong to OFFEND him with ostracization.

I have always felt sorry for the ugly-little-kids and, obviously, STILL have not learned that by giving them a chance to be cool, that they will not choose to evolve. These are damaged creatures who “bite the hand that feeds them” and only desire to destroy because they don’t feel they are worthy of love in any of its forms. And they do everything possible to refuse your kindness to prove that point!

So, this year’s ugly-little-kid is doing:

  • the stalking thing;
  • the typical attempting-to-defame-Me thing;
  • the making-up-profiles-on-fetlife-to-attempt-to-taunt-Me thing (poor creature even has them giving him compliments);
  • the projecting-his-behaviors-onto-Me-thing;
  • the believing-there’s-a-conspiracy-against-him thing;
  • the attempting-to-pit-My-friends-and-other-women-against-Me thing;
  • the harassing-My-assistants thing;
  • the texting-and-emailing-Me thing;

– all the usual loser-fare that all the other losers before him have tried to do. they are never original.

And this one refuses to accept that there was a computer glitch – though knowing of My device problems – and an error occurred – the message wasn’t for or about him (but sociopathic narcissists always believe -everything- is about them). Nor will the creature accept the apology I made privately and publicly – as if anyone is even paying attention to him – which is ultimately his problem.

The sad thing is that these pathetic creatures are so insistent on making Me/you/everyone wrong for their choices to be immature, badly behaved, and their refusal to accept personal responsibility that they abuse and ENDANGER their own families. That’s how their children become drug addicts, alcoholics, victims of others’ abuses, commit suicide, etc.

The internet is a wonderful thing. I, for one, am glad that every movement you make is tracked by Big Brother and I’m voting for this practice to continue.

I’m also ecstatic that I have friends in high places who have taken steps to stop previous stalkers and are observing physically as well as electronically.

Hopefully, the offender will not be seen anywhere near Me and Mine again, or I will not be able to continue to protect him from My scary friends… even if I wanted to.

I really hope that this one – and all of the others – finally get the professional care that will help them to evolve to contribute something of beauty to the world and not waste their lives h8ting themselves. Because their self-h8tred IS the impetus for all of their behaviors.

Always MY Pleasure,
Mistress Didi*

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

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Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.

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Safety Tips For Dommes by The Mistress Didi*

Safety Tips For Dommes by The Mistress Didi* is an excerpt from Her Ask Mistress Didi* advice blog.

February 28, 2013

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

I heard about the horrible tragedy of [NAME WITHHELD] and now I’m afraid.  How am I supposed to find subs when such horrible things ARE happening?

~ Miss J

 *****

Dear Miss J,

I am writing this as a public service to Dommes and Women everywhere and I encourage Us all to share these precautions with the younger generations.

The world is full of nut-jobs and people who are wealthy enough to have some “professional” enable them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions by deeming that they have a “disorder,” putting them on cocktails of medications, making Big Pharma richer, and giving them an excuse from prosecution to the fullest for their crimes.

It’s scary out there and although nut-jobs can get through your filters, there are precautions that EVERY Domme should take – every woman, for that matter.  Unfortunately, there are many horrid cases of Women who let their delusions of Dominance get in the way of their intelligence.

My suggestions to protect Yourself in EVERY way possible are:

1)    Keep your private life private.  We all have Scene Names for a reason: to protect Our privacy which includes Our family, friends, associates, submissives, Play partners, pets, your favorite grocery store, etc.  A common mistake that a lot of confused Dommes make is to want to be liked/accepted by potential submissives, which is exactly the opposite of what You’re supposed to do.  The submissive’s goal is to want to be liked and accepted by YOU through proper service and good deeds.  ONLY after a considerable amount of time of service (for Me, sometimes several years) should a submissive be allowed into Your personal realm.  It is also important that you respect others’ privacy as well.  Do not divulge information; let the person choose what She wants to be known and to whom by relaying the information Herself.

2)    Don’t be a “desperate Domme.”  Too many people make the mistake of approaching submissive acquisition and training from a void within their lives.  “Accoutrements,” as I call them, are supposed to be an addition to Your already full life; not a missing piece to the puzzle.  One submissive cannot be everything.  That is why I have the motto: From each according to their ability; to each according to My desires (a little play on Marx & Engells).  Remember, it is better to have no subs than even one “substandard.” Desperation makes people ignore signs of trouble and make decisions that are contrary to their best interests.

3)    Have a buddy system.  One of the best rules that My Mother had and still has for Me and My friends is to call when We get home or wherever We’re going.  Always have your whereabouts and whom you are with known to a trusted associate who will look out for you.  Be certain to give names and cell phone numbers and, one thing I insist upon, is license plate info.  Not only is this a smart thing to do, but it is a courteous thing to do for those who love and care for you.  Should anything happen, your chances are better with as much information as possible for the authorities.

4)    Be very careful of whom you consider a “friend.”  Unfortunately, too many people think that just because someone agrees with them, seems to think the way they do, has similar interests, etc., that you are both on the same level.  Before getting close to someone:

a)    Observe the words they use in general because words ARE indications of how the person (1) interprets the world and people in it, and (2) will behave.  Notice the patterns and relationships in their language.  For example, a person whose conversation is predominantly about distrust of others is not to be trusted.  And a person whose conversation is about woe and failure will be a saboteur to herself (and probably at some point to you).  People always project what they dislike most about themselves onto others;

b)    Observe how they respect Your privacy.  Beware of people who need to discuss Your business as part of conversations with others because their carelessness can endanger You.  Definitely confront them politely and point out how You wish Your privacy to be respected.  If they are unable to control themselves, cut them loose;

c)    Associate with “like kinds of people.”  One of My “issues” from childhood is (still) being compassionate and wanting everyone to be able to play (and as an adult, “Play”).  I was always the kid at the playground who got everyone involved in a game.  Even as a child, those twisted-misfit-socially-inept kids would turn on Me at some point even though they knew they would go back to being outcasts.  Whether this is idiot-nature or “disorder nature” is irrelevant; the fact is that some people are so comfortable in their discomfort that when they get the opportunity to have what they want, they choose to operate from fear and unworthiness and attack the giver.  Every back-stabbing-dumb-bitch you’ve ever known is one of these misfits who does not believe s/he is worthy of what You represent and, as losers always do, they try to dim Your Light so they can remain in darkness.

The TRUTH is that these people are NOT worthy of Your energies and that is their choice.  Respect their choices to be unhappy, miserable, lying to themselves and the world, etc., as You want Your choice to be fabulous to be respected;

d)    Practice forgiveness but don’t be stupid.  Jesus said to “turn the other cheek” but did not say to get beat up!  My late stepfather, a theosophist, offered an interesting point: that to turn the other cheek meant to approach the person in a different way rather than to give them another chance to show you how they are limited.  In other words, when you give them another chance, give directions (subtle or not) in what is expected of them so that they have the opportunity to evolve to where you are.  If this person continues in unacceptable behavior, release them from Your environment.

Resource:  When And How To Unfriend In Your Life

5)    Always have a back-up plan.  Don’t forget that Our Scene is a fantasy for most, so many don’t believe that they need to respect you and your wishes because it’s not their real-life.  You should treat everything about you as real and don’t rely on anyone until they have proven to be of value and trustworthy.  Do not go out with people unless you have the means to take care of your expenses and a way to get back home.

6)    Maintain protocols.  The lack of manners and class is running rampant as more and more people spawn instead of raise their children.  Too many people have entitlement issues that are completely unwarranted.  When people become too familiar with you, they will diminish your standing to themselves which leads to nothing but problems.  The use of titles, order-and-response rules, postures, etc., not only maintains the level of integrity of relationships, it preserves the specialness of Our Scene.

7)    Choose Your words carefully and don’t get caught up in “hate bait.”  The internet is full of websites for gruesomes to get together and try to attack all of the people who ARE DOING FABULOUS THINGS while they don’t even offer tiny bits of beauty for Us to enjoy.  No matter what You say, some loser will choose to pick individual words to make their jealousy-based, false fantasy an attack on You.  NEVER do they ever feel better about themselves; the illusion that they “top” You merely distracts them from their self-loathing long enough until they find the next person to attack.  Avoid engagements with people who have nothing to offer – not even to themselves.  If You feel You must address a situation concerning them, do it in the “third person” – speak about a concept which reflects them, but not directly to them.Don’t let your ego get you ensnared; completely have no care about what they have to say.  Ignore them and they will go away to feed off of someone else.  If you absolutely feel you MUST address them, thank them for reminding you of what The Bible says and link to Matthew 7:6.

8)    Don’t ignore your intuition and/or warning signs and report offenders immediately.  We have intuition for a reason.  Pay attention to it.  If it feels wrong, it IS wrong.  Better to mistake that sign of warning than to have a headstone on your grave as a sign to warn others.  Keep records of activities in case you need them as proof of offenses.  Too often, We are afraid of what others may “think” of Us (e.g., that We’re paranoid), but remember this: people will think and believe whatever they choose to – no matter what the facts are.  And if they were capable of intelligent thought, they would focus on creating happiness their own lives instead of being in judgment of yours.

One thing that I find stupid in Our Scene is the practice of “don’t tell” that protects offenders and endangers other people.  If you are not a part of the solution, you are a part of the problem.  Even though My so-called-friends at the time witnessed the activities of a dangerous stalker, those pathetic creatures were annoyed with ME for telling the world about him.  No one wants to admit that My actions calmed his craziness down and he is now under control.  I will insist until the end of My days that if offenders are “outted,” offenses will be curtailed because people are afraid of confrontation and being ostracized from groups almost more than they are afraid of going to jail.  This is a reason that Meagan’s Law works.  I advise that the group is not worthy of your energies if they do not support your safety and wellness – and the wellness of others – by allowing offenders to roam freely and continue to be unpunished.

9)    Do not leave food or drink unattended and do not eat or drink anything you did not see prepared.  People are drugged and violated every day.  Nothing else needs to be said.

10) Be aware of what’s happening in the news.  Every time one of those silly, “buffies” from a gated, suburban community moves to New York City and decides to go jogging in Central Park at dangerous times of the day, I’m more offended that an innocent, Black and/or Hispanic male will be jailed – as happened with The Central Park 5 – than I am that another female was endangered by extreme ignorance and arrogance.  Ignorance, especially today with the internet literally at your fingertips, is NO excuse.  Know what to be aware of and where, and take steps to protect yourself.

Resource:  “The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker draws on his extensive expertise to explode the myth that most violent acts are random and unpredictable and shows that they usually have discernible motives and are preceded by clear warning signs. Through dozens of compelling stories from his own career and life, he unravels the complexities of violent behavior and details the pre-incident indicators (PINs) that can determine if someone poses a danger to us.”

Resource (contact your local office): Resources for Victims or Witnesses of Hate Crimes | The New York County District Attorney’s Office

Love Yourself and be smart.

Always MY Pleasure,
Mistress Didi*

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

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Never Judge a Book By It’s Cover by HydroMadam

by HydroMadam

I am not a long legged Domme wearing black leather and sporting a whip….

I was once, many years ago but not anymore.

Now, I describe myself as a mature woman, on the plump side, considered by most to be very nice and caring. 

A true statement, but it doesn’t sound like what you picture when you think “Dominant Woman”.

How about this, I’m a lady, with a sweet smile, very creative and “a strong right hand.” 

Sounding better?

I love role-play. I’m the teacher, the nanny, the neighbor and you, You, have done something wrong.

It is up to me to give you exactly what you deserve.

No mundane rules, no bowing, no kneeling.

You will enter the room knowing that once you close the door you are under my control.

Good, bad. Right, wrong.

Your comeuppance is imminent. Whatever that may be.  🙂

Dominant women are everywhere, looks can be deceiving.

***

Posers, players, pranksters & banksters by Robin Adams

Posers, players, pranksters & banksters – New Moon @ 21 Aquarius/Chinese New Year – January 20013, re-posted with permission

NOTE: There is no need to understand the astrological specifics to gain the tremendous value of this insight.

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Lyrics: Lee Brice – Hard to Love

“I am insensitive, I have a tendency to pay more attention to the things that I need.  Sometimes I drink too much, sometimes I test your trust, sometimes I don’t know why you stay with me.  I’m hard to love, hard to love, no, I don’t make it easy.  I couldn’t do it if I stood where you stood.  I’m hard to love, hard to love, you say that you need me, I don’t deserve it but I love that you love me, girl.”

Codependence is an emotional defense system set up to protect our wounded inner child from the shame of being exposed as unlovable and unworthy, stupid and weak, a loser and failure, or whatever message we received.  We were taught how to determine our own self-worth by comparing ourselves to others.   Am I “smarter than, prettier than, faster than, richer than, more successful than, thinner than, stronger than,” you get the picture?   In a codependent society the only way to feel good about “me” is to look down on someone else.  Thus we learned to judge (just as our primary caretakers did) others in order to feel good about ourselves.  Being “right” was one of the most important ways to know that “I have worth.

The state of our relationships in our society is going through a metamorphosis as we relax into the tension of change and flux, compliments of Uranus squaring Pluto.  Moving from the dysfunctional mode of “power over another” into a state of “sharing power with another” is going to take time.  Coming into the 4th of 5 New Moons at 21 degrees we are but one month away from the completion of this particular cycle of shedding an emotional skin.

I can’t think of a more appropriate symbol for this transition period than the symbol for the upcoming Chinese New Year, the year of the Snake.  It’s time to shed!  The snake sheds its skin on a regular basis and is temporarily blinded as it goes through the process.  Aquarius is an Air sign and the Aquarius symbol is of a woman pouring water from the heavens onto the EarthAs above, so below and this year we are focusing on “as within, so without.”  That’s the big Cosmic Joke.  From this point forward the work we do will be done “within,” slow, steady sensible and practical!

Posers, players, pranksters and banksters can only succeed when we continue responding in the traditional dysfunctional manner.   The New Moon is in multi-dimensional Aquarius @ 21 degrees, which is ruled by Uranus (surprise/serendipity) and Saturn (time/generations), our hosts of this event.  Here’s the deal.  It takes 6 months to 1 year to integrate a new vibratory harmonic.  We’re speaking of Uranus square Pluto.  A surprise is due for the new 1% who currently are redefining the meaning of wealth.

What if the word “wealth” meant, “to have something that money cannot buy,” and it defined the new 1%?  What would we call the 99%?  Where would you fall in the 47% of the US population that depends on the government to take care of them?  That changes the whole equation.  See, there we go again comparing ourselves to someone else.  It’s a great big ole’ dis-function (Pluto) to fill the pockets of the media companies (Uranus) to ensure that we continue our main diet of TV, smartphones and internet.  They educate us through advertising and keep us plugged into the mentality that there is something “out there” that will make “me happy inside.”  That’s an interesting thought isn’t it?  If I diss you I feel better about me.  Perfect dysfunction!

Relationships of power (Scorpio) are based on someone being right OR wrong.  There can’t be a winner without there being a loser.  Handing over one’s power to someone else to make oneself happy is what we were taught as children.  Remember the childhood fairy tales we were told?  It’s a magic formula for writers; boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back and they ride off into the sunset, right?  There was always a winner, a loser and a “happy ever after.”  Happiness comes from within and our true wealth is happiness that cannot be purchased with money.

Saturn is our legacy and is sitting at 11 Scorpio preparing to Rx on the 18th, which also just happens to be the degree of the upcoming November 3, 2013 New Moon Eclipse.  We are laying a foundation for change in November.  It’s always a cycle within a cycle and it’s time to shed some of our inhibitions with the main guideline being to “do no harm.”  Life unfolds in stages.  Finding the balance between co-dependence and counter-dependence is a “walk of art.”  It takes conscious effort and a whole lot of practice.  Since we were all taught that “the relationship” is the goal we have set ourselves up from the get-go to be disappointed because someone else “can’t make me happy.”  Uh-oh!

It’s the race between what can’t be and what is emerging that is unfolding before our very eyes.  Since there are so few examples of relationships that share power it’s no wonder many choose to fill their lives with friendships and family as their source of full-fill-ment.    Many are happier being a whole person rather than half a couple!  From 0 Aquarius to 8 Pisces there are 8 planets, lights and asteroids; Asteroid DNA, Venus, Mercury, Sun, Neptune, Chiron, Mars and the New Moon.  That is a great deal of focus in Aquarius (multiple dimensions) and Pisces (mirrors).

“I am a short fuse. I am a wrecking ball crashing into your heart like I do.  You’re like a Sunday morning full of grace and full of Jesus.  I wish that I could be more like you.  I’m hard to love, hard to love, no, I don’t make it easy.  I couldn’t do it if I stood where you stood, I’m hard to love, hard to love.  You say that you need me, I don’t deserve it but I love that you love me, girl.  Love me, girl.”

Mercury (listening), Mars (action) and Chiron (what I can’t give myself but I can give to you) in Pisces are going to bring a significant topic of discussion about the changes that need to be made between “you and me.”  Depending on how co-dependent we are functioning will determine the discussion between “you and me.”  There’s a better than average chance that many will be disappointed in the person/group/cause that they handed their power over to and expected to find happiness in exchange for giving the power away.  We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship and there is no goal to take us to “happily ever after.

The New Moon @ 21 Aquarius is at a very tense angle to the Nodes (Soul blueprint/comfort zone) @ 21 Scorpio (within)/Taurus (without), and Venus (my relationship to love & money) is squaring Saturn (consequences for my actions).  It’s time for us to begin recognizing the difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic relationship.  Physics require tension to make something happen, to create movement, to change.  Everyone is now ready as we head toward the next and last New Moon at 21 Pisces next month.  Shed!  If we weren’t taught what is real and what is toxic, how do we recognize it?  Like you, I am very familiar with toxic relationships and they are easy to spot when you know what to look for.

A true relationship is the development of a self- first priority while toxic relationships are the obsession with “getting a relationship.”  True relationships have room to grow and expand but a toxic relationship finds security and comfort in sameness and this intensity of need is seen as proof of love (read the song lyrics again).  If it’s real we’re happy with our different interests, friends and we maintain other meaningful relationships/friendships.   Toxic relationships are comprised of total involvement with little or no other social life and we let old friends and interests fall by the wayside.

Real relationships encourage one another, trust one another, will compromise and negotiate, you know, take turns.  Toxic relationships don’t like change, are jealous or possessive and one tries to control another through shame or blame.  Sex is a gift given in a real relationship, but a toxic relationship will pressure another for it.  Anyone who tries to manipulate (Scorpio) you by making you feel bad about yourself is very toxic.

Our relationships with others are a reflection of how we relate to self.  It’s all part of the dysfunction and everyone on this spaceship we call Earth suffers from one form of dysfunction or another.  If we don’t start facing it and talking about it will take forever to heal ourselves.  Pay attention this week because we will all notice the tension building.  We shed the skin of dysfunction when we recognize that someone is affecting us.

If you find yourself feeling hurt, scared and angry there are questions that need to be addressed.  “What button just got pushed?  Why am I reacting so strongly to this?  How old do I feel right now?  In what way does what is happening feel like something that happened in my childhood?  How does this remind me of the way my parents acted or treated me?”  All these questions lead us within, where we keep the truth from others and ourselves at times.  The longest distance we will ever travel is the 18 inches from “head to heart.”  Connect and shed! Balance!

I bring all of this to your attention because for 5 months the Universe has been nudging us to make changes in our point of view to see how we have perpetuated the lie (Scorpio) taught to us by multiple generations (Saturn).  Next month all the planets will be in one sign Pisces.  Talk about the Universe squeezing us!   The news will be filled with all kinds of stories about the players, posers, pranksters and banksters who are trying to get power or who are losing power.  Who has power over your life?  The New Moon sets the tone for the coming 4 weeks, so ride the wave as best you can and please, please be kind to yourself as you go through the process of shedding the dysfunction this month.  Stop comparing yourself to others!  It’s a no-win situation, I promise!    Everybody’s a winner when we are honest with selfAll our relationships are a reflection of the past in the present!  Happy “NEW YOU” Year!

“Girl, you’ve given me a million second chances and I don’t ever wanna take you for granted, I’m just a man, I’m just a man.  Hard to love, hard to love, oh, I don’t make it easy and I couldn’t do it if I stood where you stood.  I’m hard to love, hard to love and you say that you need me.  I don’t deserve it but I love that you love me, girl.  You love me, girl.”

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