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Safety Tips For Dommes by The Mistress Didi*

Safety Tips For Dommes by The Mistress Didi* is an excerpt from Her Ask Mistress Didi* advice blog.

February 28, 2013

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

I heard about the horrible tragedy of [NAME WITHHELD] and now I’m afraid.  How am I supposed to find subs when such horrible things ARE happening?

~ Miss J

 *****

Dear Miss J,

I am writing this as a public service to Dommes and Women everywhere and I encourage Us all to share these precautions with the younger generations.

The world is full of nut-jobs and people who are wealthy enough to have some “professional” enable them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions by deeming that they have a “disorder,” putting them on cocktails of medications, making Big Pharma richer, and giving them an excuse from prosecution to the fullest for their crimes.

It’s scary out there and although nut-jobs can get through your filters, there are precautions that EVERY Domme should take – every woman, for that matter.  Unfortunately, there are many horrid cases of Women who let their delusions of Dominance get in the way of their intelligence.

My suggestions to protect Yourself in EVERY way possible are:

1)    Keep your private life private.  We all have Scene Names for a reason: to protect Our privacy which includes Our family, friends, associates, submissives, Play partners, pets, your favorite grocery store, etc.  A common mistake that a lot of confused Dommes make is to want to be liked/accepted by potential submissives, which is exactly the opposite of what You’re supposed to do.  The submissive’s goal is to want to be liked and accepted by YOU through proper service and good deeds.  ONLY after a considerable amount of time of service (for Me, sometimes several years) should a submissive be allowed into Your personal realm.  It is also important that you respect others’ privacy as well.  Do not divulge information; let the person choose what She wants to be known and to whom by relaying the information Herself.

2)    Don’t be a “desperate Domme.”  Too many people make the mistake of approaching submissive acquisition and training from a void within their lives.  “Accoutrements,” as I call them, are supposed to be an addition to Your already full life; not a missing piece to the puzzle.  One submissive cannot be everything.  That is why I have the motto: From each according to their ability; to each according to My desires (a little play on Marx & Engells).  Remember, it is better to have no subs than even one “substandard.” Desperation makes people ignore signs of trouble and make decisions that are contrary to their best interests.

3)    Have a buddy system.  One of the best rules that My Mother had and still has for Me and My friends is to call when We get home or wherever We’re going.  Always have your whereabouts and whom you are with known to a trusted associate who will look out for you.  Be certain to give names and cell phone numbers and, one thing I insist upon, is license plate info.  Not only is this a smart thing to do, but it is a courteous thing to do for those who love and care for you.  Should anything happen, your chances are better with as much information as possible for the authorities.

4)    Be very careful of whom you consider a “friend.”  Unfortunately, too many people think that just because someone agrees with them, seems to think the way they do, has similar interests, etc., that you are both on the same level.  Before getting close to someone:

a)    Observe the words they use in general because words ARE indications of how the person (1) interprets the world and people in it, and (2) will behave.  Notice the patterns and relationships in their language.  For example, a person whose conversation is predominantly about distrust of others is not to be trusted.  And a person whose conversation is about woe and failure will be a saboteur to herself (and probably at some point to you).  People always project what they dislike most about themselves onto others;

b)    Observe how they respect Your privacy.  Beware of people who need to discuss Your business as part of conversations with others because their carelessness can endanger You.  Definitely confront them politely and point out how You wish Your privacy to be respected.  If they are unable to control themselves, cut them loose;

c)    Associate with “like kinds of people.”  One of My “issues” from childhood is (still) being compassionate and wanting everyone to be able to play (and as an adult, “Play”).  I was always the kid at the playground who got everyone involved in a game.  Even as a child, those twisted-misfit-socially-inept kids would turn on Me at some point even though they knew they would go back to being outcasts.  Whether this is idiot-nature or “disorder nature” is irrelevant; the fact is that some people are so comfortable in their discomfort that when they get the opportunity to have what they want, they choose to operate from fear and unworthiness and attack the giver.  Every back-stabbing-dumb-bitch you’ve ever known is one of these misfits who does not believe s/he is worthy of what You represent and, as losers always do, they try to dim Your Light so they can remain in darkness.

The TRUTH is that these people are NOT worthy of Your energies and that is their choice.  Respect their choices to be unhappy, miserable, lying to themselves and the world, etc., as You want Your choice to be fabulous to be respected;

d)    Practice forgiveness but don’t be stupid.  Jesus said to “turn the other cheek” but did not say to get beat up!  My late stepfather, a theosophist, offered an interesting point: that to turn the other cheek meant to approach the person in a different way rather than to give them another chance to show you how they are limited.  In other words, when you give them another chance, give directions (subtle or not) in what is expected of them so that they have the opportunity to evolve to where you are.  If this person continues in unacceptable behavior, release them from Your environment.

Resource:  When And How To Unfriend In Your Life

5)    Always have a back-up plan.  Don’t forget that Our Scene is a fantasy for most, so many don’t believe that they need to respect you and your wishes because it’s not their real-life.  You should treat everything about you as real and don’t rely on anyone until they have proven to be of value and trustworthy.  Do not go out with people unless you have the means to take care of your expenses and a way to get back home.

6)    Maintain protocols.  The lack of manners and class is running rampant as more and more people spawn instead of raise their children.  Too many people have entitlement issues that are completely unwarranted.  When people become too familiar with you, they will diminish your standing to themselves which leads to nothing but problems.  The use of titles, order-and-response rules, postures, etc., not only maintains the level of integrity of relationships, it preserves the specialness of Our Scene.

7)    Choose Your words carefully and don’t get caught up in “hate bait.”  The internet is full of websites for gruesomes to get together and try to attack all of the people who ARE DOING FABULOUS THINGS while they don’t even offer tiny bits of beauty for Us to enjoy.  No matter what You say, some loser will choose to pick individual words to make their jealousy-based, false fantasy an attack on You.  NEVER do they ever feel better about themselves; the illusion that they “top” You merely distracts them from their self-loathing long enough until they find the next person to attack.  Avoid engagements with people who have nothing to offer – not even to themselves.  If You feel You must address a situation concerning them, do it in the “third person” – speak about a concept which reflects them, but not directly to them.Don’t let your ego get you ensnared; completely have no care about what they have to say.  Ignore them and they will go away to feed off of someone else.  If you absolutely feel you MUST address them, thank them for reminding you of what The Bible says and link to Matthew 7:6.

8)    Don’t ignore your intuition and/or warning signs and report offenders immediately.  We have intuition for a reason.  Pay attention to it.  If it feels wrong, it IS wrong.  Better to mistake that sign of warning than to have a headstone on your grave as a sign to warn others.  Keep records of activities in case you need them as proof of offenses.  Too often, We are afraid of what others may “think” of Us (e.g., that We’re paranoid), but remember this: people will think and believe whatever they choose to – no matter what the facts are.  And if they were capable of intelligent thought, they would focus on creating happiness their own lives instead of being in judgment of yours.

One thing that I find stupid in Our Scene is the practice of “don’t tell” that protects offenders and endangers other people.  If you are not a part of the solution, you are a part of the problem.  Even though My so-called-friends at the time witnessed the activities of a dangerous stalker, those pathetic creatures were annoyed with ME for telling the world about him.  No one wants to admit that My actions calmed his craziness down and he is now under control.  I will insist until the end of My days that if offenders are “outted,” offenses will be curtailed because people are afraid of confrontation and being ostracized from groups almost more than they are afraid of going to jail.  This is a reason that Meagan’s Law works.  I advise that the group is not worthy of your energies if they do not support your safety and wellness – and the wellness of others – by allowing offenders to roam freely and continue to be unpunished.

9)    Do not leave food or drink unattended and do not eat or drink anything you did not see prepared.  People are drugged and violated every day.  Nothing else needs to be said.

10) Be aware of what’s happening in the news.  Every time one of those silly, “buffies” from a gated, suburban community moves to New York City and decides to go jogging in Central Park at dangerous times of the day, I’m more offended that an innocent, Black and/or Hispanic male will be jailed – as happened with The Central Park 5 – than I am that another female was endangered by extreme ignorance and arrogance.  Ignorance, especially today with the internet literally at your fingertips, is NO excuse.  Know what to be aware of and where, and take steps to protect yourself.

Resource:  “The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker draws on his extensive expertise to explode the myth that most violent acts are random and unpredictable and shows that they usually have discernible motives and are preceded by clear warning signs. Through dozens of compelling stories from his own career and life, he unravels the complexities of violent behavior and details the pre-incident indicators (PINs) that can determine if someone poses a danger to us.”

Resource (contact your local office): Resources for Victims or Witnesses of Hate Crimes | The New York County District Attorney’s Office

Love Yourself and be smart.

Always MY Pleasure,
Mistress Didi*

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

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Never Judge a Book By It’s Cover by HydroMadam

by HydroMadam

I am not a long legged Domme wearing black leather and sporting a whip….

I was once, many years ago but not anymore.

Now, I describe myself as a mature woman, on the plump side, considered by most to be very nice and caring. 

A true statement, but it doesn’t sound like what you picture when you think “Dominant Woman”.

How about this, I’m a lady, with a sweet smile, very creative and “a strong right hand.” 

Sounding better?

I love role-play. I’m the teacher, the nanny, the neighbor and you, You, have done something wrong.

It is up to me to give you exactly what you deserve.

No mundane rules, no bowing, no kneeling.

You will enter the room knowing that once you close the door you are under my control.

Good, bad. Right, wrong.

Your comeuppance is imminent. Whatever that may be.  🙂

Dominant women are everywhere, looks can be deceiving.

***

Posers, players, pranksters & banksters by Robin Adams

Posers, players, pranksters & banksters – New Moon @ 21 Aquarius/Chinese New Year – January 20013, re-posted with permission

NOTE: There is no need to understand the astrological specifics to gain the tremendous value of this insight.

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Lyrics: Lee Brice – Hard to Love

“I am insensitive, I have a tendency to pay more attention to the things that I need.  Sometimes I drink too much, sometimes I test your trust, sometimes I don’t know why you stay with me.  I’m hard to love, hard to love, no, I don’t make it easy.  I couldn’t do it if I stood where you stood.  I’m hard to love, hard to love, you say that you need me, I don’t deserve it but I love that you love me, girl.”

Codependence is an emotional defense system set up to protect our wounded inner child from the shame of being exposed as unlovable and unworthy, stupid and weak, a loser and failure, or whatever message we received.  We were taught how to determine our own self-worth by comparing ourselves to others.   Am I “smarter than, prettier than, faster than, richer than, more successful than, thinner than, stronger than,” you get the picture?   In a codependent society the only way to feel good about “me” is to look down on someone else.  Thus we learned to judge (just as our primary caretakers did) others in order to feel good about ourselves.  Being “right” was one of the most important ways to know that “I have worth.

The state of our relationships in our society is going through a metamorphosis as we relax into the tension of change and flux, compliments of Uranus squaring Pluto.  Moving from the dysfunctional mode of “power over another” into a state of “sharing power with another” is going to take time.  Coming into the 4th of 5 New Moons at 21 degrees we are but one month away from the completion of this particular cycle of shedding an emotional skin.

I can’t think of a more appropriate symbol for this transition period than the symbol for the upcoming Chinese New Year, the year of the Snake.  It’s time to shed!  The snake sheds its skin on a regular basis and is temporarily blinded as it goes through the process.  Aquarius is an Air sign and the Aquarius symbol is of a woman pouring water from the heavens onto the EarthAs above, so below and this year we are focusing on “as within, so without.”  That’s the big Cosmic Joke.  From this point forward the work we do will be done “within,” slow, steady sensible and practical!

Posers, players, pranksters and banksters can only succeed when we continue responding in the traditional dysfunctional manner.   The New Moon is in multi-dimensional Aquarius @ 21 degrees, which is ruled by Uranus (surprise/serendipity) and Saturn (time/generations), our hosts of this event.  Here’s the deal.  It takes 6 months to 1 year to integrate a new vibratory harmonic.  We’re speaking of Uranus square Pluto.  A surprise is due for the new 1% who currently are redefining the meaning of wealth.

What if the word “wealth” meant, “to have something that money cannot buy,” and it defined the new 1%?  What would we call the 99%?  Where would you fall in the 47% of the US population that depends on the government to take care of them?  That changes the whole equation.  See, there we go again comparing ourselves to someone else.  It’s a great big ole’ dis-function (Pluto) to fill the pockets of the media companies (Uranus) to ensure that we continue our main diet of TV, smartphones and internet.  They educate us through advertising and keep us plugged into the mentality that there is something “out there” that will make “me happy inside.”  That’s an interesting thought isn’t it?  If I diss you I feel better about me.  Perfect dysfunction!

Relationships of power (Scorpio) are based on someone being right OR wrong.  There can’t be a winner without there being a loser.  Handing over one’s power to someone else to make oneself happy is what we were taught as children.  Remember the childhood fairy tales we were told?  It’s a magic formula for writers; boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back and they ride off into the sunset, right?  There was always a winner, a loser and a “happy ever after.”  Happiness comes from within and our true wealth is happiness that cannot be purchased with money.

Saturn is our legacy and is sitting at 11 Scorpio preparing to Rx on the 18th, which also just happens to be the degree of the upcoming November 3, 2013 New Moon Eclipse.  We are laying a foundation for change in November.  It’s always a cycle within a cycle and it’s time to shed some of our inhibitions with the main guideline being to “do no harm.”  Life unfolds in stages.  Finding the balance between co-dependence and counter-dependence is a “walk of art.”  It takes conscious effort and a whole lot of practice.  Since we were all taught that “the relationship” is the goal we have set ourselves up from the get-go to be disappointed because someone else “can’t make me happy.”  Uh-oh!

It’s the race between what can’t be and what is emerging that is unfolding before our very eyes.  Since there are so few examples of relationships that share power it’s no wonder many choose to fill their lives with friendships and family as their source of full-fill-ment.    Many are happier being a whole person rather than half a couple!  From 0 Aquarius to 8 Pisces there are 8 planets, lights and asteroids; Asteroid DNA, Venus, Mercury, Sun, Neptune, Chiron, Mars and the New Moon.  That is a great deal of focus in Aquarius (multiple dimensions) and Pisces (mirrors).

“I am a short fuse. I am a wrecking ball crashing into your heart like I do.  You’re like a Sunday morning full of grace and full of Jesus.  I wish that I could be more like you.  I’m hard to love, hard to love, no, I don’t make it easy.  I couldn’t do it if I stood where you stood, I’m hard to love, hard to love.  You say that you need me, I don’t deserve it but I love that you love me, girl.  Love me, girl.”

Mercury (listening), Mars (action) and Chiron (what I can’t give myself but I can give to you) in Pisces are going to bring a significant topic of discussion about the changes that need to be made between “you and me.”  Depending on how co-dependent we are functioning will determine the discussion between “you and me.”  There’s a better than average chance that many will be disappointed in the person/group/cause that they handed their power over to and expected to find happiness in exchange for giving the power away.  We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship and there is no goal to take us to “happily ever after.

The New Moon @ 21 Aquarius is at a very tense angle to the Nodes (Soul blueprint/comfort zone) @ 21 Scorpio (within)/Taurus (without), and Venus (my relationship to love & money) is squaring Saturn (consequences for my actions).  It’s time for us to begin recognizing the difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic relationship.  Physics require tension to make something happen, to create movement, to change.  Everyone is now ready as we head toward the next and last New Moon at 21 Pisces next month.  Shed!  If we weren’t taught what is real and what is toxic, how do we recognize it?  Like you, I am very familiar with toxic relationships and they are easy to spot when you know what to look for.

A true relationship is the development of a self- first priority while toxic relationships are the obsession with “getting a relationship.”  True relationships have room to grow and expand but a toxic relationship finds security and comfort in sameness and this intensity of need is seen as proof of love (read the song lyrics again).  If it’s real we’re happy with our different interests, friends and we maintain other meaningful relationships/friendships.   Toxic relationships are comprised of total involvement with little or no other social life and we let old friends and interests fall by the wayside.

Real relationships encourage one another, trust one another, will compromise and negotiate, you know, take turns.  Toxic relationships don’t like change, are jealous or possessive and one tries to control another through shame or blame.  Sex is a gift given in a real relationship, but a toxic relationship will pressure another for it.  Anyone who tries to manipulate (Scorpio) you by making you feel bad about yourself is very toxic.

Our relationships with others are a reflection of how we relate to self.  It’s all part of the dysfunction and everyone on this spaceship we call Earth suffers from one form of dysfunction or another.  If we don’t start facing it and talking about it will take forever to heal ourselves.  Pay attention this week because we will all notice the tension building.  We shed the skin of dysfunction when we recognize that someone is affecting us.

If you find yourself feeling hurt, scared and angry there are questions that need to be addressed.  “What button just got pushed?  Why am I reacting so strongly to this?  How old do I feel right now?  In what way does what is happening feel like something that happened in my childhood?  How does this remind me of the way my parents acted or treated me?”  All these questions lead us within, where we keep the truth from others and ourselves at times.  The longest distance we will ever travel is the 18 inches from “head to heart.”  Connect and shed! Balance!

I bring all of this to your attention because for 5 months the Universe has been nudging us to make changes in our point of view to see how we have perpetuated the lie (Scorpio) taught to us by multiple generations (Saturn).  Next month all the planets will be in one sign Pisces.  Talk about the Universe squeezing us!   The news will be filled with all kinds of stories about the players, posers, pranksters and banksters who are trying to get power or who are losing power.  Who has power over your life?  The New Moon sets the tone for the coming 4 weeks, so ride the wave as best you can and please, please be kind to yourself as you go through the process of shedding the dysfunction this month.  Stop comparing yourself to others!  It’s a no-win situation, I promise!    Everybody’s a winner when we are honest with selfAll our relationships are a reflection of the past in the present!  Happy “NEW YOU” Year!

“Girl, you’ve given me a million second chances and I don’t ever wanna take you for granted, I’m just a man, I’m just a man.  Hard to love, hard to love, oh, I don’t make it easy and I couldn’t do it if I stood where you stood.  I’m hard to love, hard to love and you say that you need me.  I don’t deserve it but I love that you love me, girl.  You love me, girl.”

~~~~~~

Click to Visit for more of Robin Adams’ amazing and on-point insights:

Tips To Avoid Mistakes That Dommes Make by Madam Zee

by Madam Zee: March 16, 2008 ~ used with permission

  • Know what you really want.  Don’t choose something because others do it or because you think you should.
  • Clearly communicate your desires.  Don’t expect people to read your mind or know what you want.
  • Learn as much as you can about as much as you can.  The more you know, the better your experiences will be.
  • Learn from a variety of sources.  Different people have different things to offer on the same subjects.
  • Stay away from gossip.  Don’t believe everything you hear or see.
  • Don’t expect one person to be your everything – no mater how well you train them.
  • Don’t Play angry, tired, or under the influence of any substances that change your perception and/or abilities.  SAFETY FIRST.
  • Know when to let go.
  • Be good to yourself first and others will be taken care of.
  • Choose carefully what you do and why you do it.  There’s a difference between Play and abuse.  Remember karma.
  • A loving relationship is the best relationship.

The Mistress Didi*s Staff Training Guide

I share this resource that I provide to My Domina101™ Trainees and give to all of My “Compliments,” which is My term for the people who are a lovely part of My Domain.

More of My Resources may be found on My Ask Mistress Didi* blog.

*******************************

1) I am very particular about how I want things done and design My plans for maximum efficiency and enjoyment. I do NOT wish to repeat Myself unnecessarily. I have a 3-strikes-you’re-out rule unless you offend Me in a heinous manner. I have patience for your evolution, but no tolerance for immaturity. I’m a Domme; not your mom.

a) I say things in a very, straight-to-the-point manner. If you’re one of those people who needs to be coddled, you will not be comfortable in My Domain.

2) THE most important thing to understand about My Domain is that Trust and Respect are given to and expected from all. My commitment is to evolving on personal, spiritual, and communal levels to enjoy the best that Life has to offer and that We can offer to Life as a Whole.

a) Don’t start none, won’t be none.

b) Offenders will be horribly punished in ways that are in no way enjoyable.

3) Instructions

a) A Domina Journal is REQUIRED for notes, instructions, etc. to be recorded. Your Domina Journal will serve as a reference and resource for excellence.

i) I recommend that you have a Travel Domina Journal and, in case you lose your travel journal, a Main-Domina Journal to keep at home to rewrite your notes of the day.

ii) Carry your Travel-Domina Journal at all times you are required to be in My presence, along with 2 writing utensils.

b) To ensure that instructions are fully understood, I will ask you to repeat them in your own words to ensure clarification.

c) If you are assigned a task that cannot be completed to My specifications for whatever reason:

i) Contact Me immediately for further instructions. Do NOT make decisions for Me.

ii) To avoid creating difficulties, DO NOT wait until the last minute to carry out tasks.

d) If you offer a suggestion, give full details – do not make work for Me and waste My time to have to ask for any more information to get to the next step

4) Responsibilities.

a)    BE PREPARED ahead of time with instructions, location and directions, etc.

b)    Show up when expected and be on time.

i)      Call AND text Me immediately if you are unable to make any appointment with Me and/or concerning Me.  This includes running late.

ii)      ALWAYS identify yourself.  NEVER dare to presume I should know who you are because of your phone number, email address, etc.

c) Dress Code. Wear clean clothes; wear deodorant; do NOT wear a lot of perfume/cologne; wear basic black at functions unless otherwise instructed

d) Loyalty. Do not share information about My Domain to anyone – period – without My express permission. Our relationship is unique and special to Us. Only those who are worthy will be invited to join Us.

5) Schedules. This is VERY important.

a) To make things easier on Us, you will receive an email reminder (from _____ and/or from Me) early Wednesday mornings to submit your schedule.

b) You are to provide your schedule (to the best of your ability) by using the form located at _______________________.

c) Weekly schedules are designed from Saturday through Friday and are due no later than 11PM on Thursday prior to the Saturday for the form you submit.

d) If there is a change to your schedule that may affect your service to Me, notify Me immediately via EMAIL (_________________) AND TEXT to _________.

6) Rewards

a) ALL rewards (Play, events, training, etc.) are earned. This is not a barter situation; your purpose is to serve My desires.

b) Best behavior is expected at all times. If you have an issue, you may discuss it with me with the goal of creating a solution. “Acting out” and other expressions showing lacks of self-control are grounds for dismissal.

i) Again, I’m a Domme; not your mom. I have no children by choice.

c) I prefer to reward and will not tolerate anyone who requires punishment of any kind. Dismissal will be imminent and public.

7) Training

a) The purpose for your training is to make My situations easier and My Domain more comfortable.

b) My goal is to offer you guidance to the fulfillment of your spirit, mind, and physical experience through your dedicated service to Me. It is your responsibility to discuss this process with Me as We go along.

c) If at any time you feel that your service to Me is not a good fit for you, you are expected to discuss it with Me. The intention is for Us both to be happy and evolving.

i)      If We agree that your service to Me is no longer fulfilling, the goal is to move forward with good will for each Other.

MANDATORY REQUIREMENT: Read My Complimentary eBook: